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  • BY RAMONA BROWN-FORT

Seeking Secure Relationships

Whether the title of this article is asked in question form or read as a statement is not relevant to having secure relationships.  And having secure relationships isn’t as difficult as you may think.  It only requires 3 things- and that is most relevant in seeking secure relationships.


man hugging woman
Are your secure in your relationship?

I know this because for the majority of my 60 years I sought to build secure relationships with the people in my life.  I can declare, happily, that I found success in doing just that.


If you are reading this article chances are you too have been seeking secure relationships so let’s get straight to the point and talk about the 3 tools needed in order to create them.


Oh!  Here’s a “ lil sumthin’” fact that will excite you: Using the 3 tools discussed in this article can be done alone, by you.


This is vital to know because no matter how much change we desire in someone else we do not have the ability to cause them to do so. Our power for change does however exist in and for ourselves.  By utilizing this power for ourself we can elicit change in others.  That’s exciting.  That’s powerful.


Making practical and effective habits, starting today and moving forward, we can be the Creator of Secure Relationships.


Each of the 3 tools needed are of equal value. Without using them together, simultaneously, we jeopardize the security. Primarily these tools are for our own benefit and well-being yet if another in the relationship is also seeking,  the use of these tools will prove bonding to both. As I mentioned, though you can do this alone and still be secure in your relationship.


Each tool builds on the other to strengthen you in your relationship. When these tools are used appropriately and in the right way, it is the user that becomes secure, strengthened and safe. To repeat:  it is the user of these tools who become secure, strengthened and safe.


      Tool 1- understanding


This tool is number one because it’s usually what draws two people to become friends. You “get” one another. It’s important for us to feel understood.  It’s just as important for us to understand others. While this understanding may seem to be a simplified matter, obviously it is not or we wouldn’t be bothered when we aren’t understood.

man holding woman
It is important for us to each gain an understanding of our partners feelings.

So what is missing? What am I not understanding? I thought we “got” each other. Maybe you’ve ordered these words before. Think about this: no to people are alike, even if you have the same DNA share the same upbringing or lived similar experiences.  The reason being is just that – our reasoning.  A person‘s DNA upbringing or experiences doesn’t automatically translate into thinking the same. We can “get” them in a sense, but what really is understanding?


 One dictionary explains it as: the power of abstract thought.

As an objective abstract means: existing and thought or as an idea, but not having physical or concrete existence; Theoretical Not based on experience or practice.


So ask yourself ,with these definitions , how can one be understood or show understanding?


Understanding depends on a person‘s perception or judgment. When people share the same experiences, they don’t always share the same perceptions of the experience. For example, My husband and I shared similar experiences in our upbringing however, his perception of his experience caused him to back down while my perception of our similar experience caused me to rear up and fight! Similar situation , different thinking on it.  Understanding doesn’t mean acceptance or even tolerance yet when we make room to gain an accurate picture of what a person is trying to tell us, we can become sympathetically aware of how they are feeling. Then this accurate awareness allows us to sympathize and show understanding or be understood. It takes practice to understand how another feels without letting our own perceptions interfere, and that practice continues to upgrade as our reasonings upgrade.


      Tool 2- trust


And assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something defines trust and assure distinctively implies the removal of doubt and suspense from a persons mind. The Miriam Webster, dictionary describes, assure as: making something safe or guaranteeing the outcome of something.  With these definitions, we see that assure addresses the doubts or insecurities of a person.


Trust is the second tool because it is what fuses all the tools together. Trust is added to understanding a relationship blends well. Being trustworthy, elevates us and inturn has the potential to do so to everyone else we come in contact with. Reading the meaning of the word itself is enough to cause endorphins to flood our body bringing with them positive emotions.


Let’s experiment with this. It will prove that even if we are seeking secure relationships alone, it’s very much in our power to do so.


Experiment: Return to the second subtitle of trust and locate the first three sentences only.


Now read them aloud and note how you feel.


What is their impact on you? What would be your perception of a person who had the same impact on you? Imagine you are this person.  How would you feel knowing your presence evokes these emotions and others can you see how you are capable of creating secure relationships?


 As you practice using this tool in your daily life, focus on new ways of doing so. I found that simply by asking others who I want to be in this type of relationship with, how can I help you____? Fill in the blank. What can I do to help you____? Fill in the blank. Then listen with the first tool of understanding appropriately, and in the right way.  You will discover the use of both these tools together results in a drawing together. If not a uniting of each other , because trying to control what another does is narcissistic behavior, at least a uniting of the power that is yours. If you aren’t yet aware of the power that is within, you tested out with experiments as you did earlier. There’s so much to discover!


      Tool 3- accountability


The tool of accountability often gets confused with responsibility and I think it times overlooked because it’s perceived to be one and the same.


Responsibility can be defined as having a duty, a job.


Accountability is defined as an obligation and willingness to accept that which we are responsible for; our actions and words or lack of them.  It’s important to have an accurate understanding of the 2. Stepping up and admitting when we haven’t been upholding or carrying out our responsibilities, the task fulfilling the jobs that our work is to do is evidence that we are being accountable for what is our job or responsibility? we aren’t blaming another or trying to offer reasons that in our mind justifies why it’s not our personal fault. We own the way we have contributed to a negative insecure cycle regardless if it was conscious or unconscious.


Using these tools individually will not build secure relationships. Using them individually can help us make a movement toward becoming secure in ourselves. It takes all 3 tools together and learning to become skillful at using them that will unite the power within ourselves toward being a secure person.


Secure people create secure relationships.


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Meet the expert:

Being a survivor of narcissistic/enabling personalities & situations I have made it through the Evils That We Face in order to tell about it & to lead others in doing the same. I’m an ordinary person who couldn’t find affordable therapy that worked along with the lifestyle I intended to create for myself self so I took a cowry studies & created my own road map.


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