Nothing can truly fully prepare you for motherhood. Regardless of how much experience, information, or preparation you have, the knowledge and wisdom of motherhood only occurs as you experience it firsthand. There’s no magic recipe, and no guidebook. For this piece, it was important for me to represent how mothers are responding to the question – What I Wish I Had Known Before Becoming a Mom.
I asked this question on social media to get feedback. Hearing the responses, confirmed my feelings of personal humility and validated the experiences I’ve had as a mom. I am very grateful to the women who were vulnerable enough to share their personal stories, to support one another. To all the mothers who contributed to this piece – thank you so much.
You Will Make Lots of Mistakes
Don’t beat yourself up. You are doing your best.
“Parents are flawed” describes Maggie Vasquez, a New Hampshire fellow mom.
Most of us enter motherhood with all the intentions and answers – how we are going to feed our babies, the books we’ll read, sleep training – the list goes on. I remember preparing to leave the hospital with my first daughter. I had never strapped a baby into a car seat (actually, I had never used a car seat, ever). My then husband turned to me and said, “I don’t think she’s strapped in correctly”. I burst into tears, feeling immediate inadequacy. First mistake, and we hadn’t even left the hospital!
I think there comes a time when you are a mom, that you acknowledge that you are flawed, you are going to make mistakes, and even when you think you’ve figured it out, you’ll continue to make mistakes. I spoke to other mothers above this, and all agree it is one of the hardest things about being a parent.
We are human. To be human, is to be imperfect.
“Your parents messed up, but you need to learn to embrace and parent from a place of growth” says Maggie Vasquez. She goes on the suggest finding a fellowship of parents who share similar values and talk to them; share the good and the bad and lean on people who you trust to figure out how to get through the hard times.
Acknowledging our mistakes and offering an apology to our children is a sign of love and resilience. We demonstrate to our children that it’s acceptable to admit our mistakes and to express regret and sorrow for our actions. It imparts accountability. It instills in them, love, and empathy.
It’s Okay That the House Is a Mess
“You don’t realize how often you have to get up from where you’re sitting or stop doing what you are doing” says Janine Rincan, fellow mom from Massachusetts.
We’ve all been there. You’ve meticulously cleaned your home only to have it destroyed moments later; trying to fight the frustration it ignites. I know how it feels and how exhausting and defeating it can be. In these moments, it’s hard to tap into the fact that we are providing a home where our kids can create, play, sing, and dance. Our home is our children’s safe space where they can construct castles and forts, and let their imaginations come to life. How fortunate are we, that we get to have untidy homes to watch our children grow and thrive.
Breathe in the moment and try to soak it in – the dishes and laundry will get done; I promise.
Your Mothering Journey Is Going to Look Different Than You Imagined
Danielle Ireland, fellow mom from California explains “If someone had told me that formula is nutritious and healthy for babies and that it was formulated specifically for babies, the pressure to breast feed, even when it was humanly impossible, wouldn’t have been so big’. I personally loved this response, and I am so glad that she brought up this topic. I was asked so many times if I was planning to breastfeed when I was pregnant with my first daughter. I was determined to breastfeed, and I genuinely wanted to. Until I started though, I didn’t appreciate just how challenging it could be. Rarely do people tell you that you may not produce milk, it may be painful, the baby may or may not latch. If someone had told me that none of the difficulties that I
was facing were my fault, it would have eased the pressure and given me more confidence and empowerment to choose how to feed my child.
Danielle also touched upon the topic of co-sleeping. “Co-sleeping is perfectly normal and
accepted in practice in other cultures” explains Danielle Ireland.
Co-sleeping is a personal choice, and as the mom, you are the only one who can decide whether to co-sleep. You have the authority to decide what’s best for you, your family, and your baby.
“Do not compare yourself or children to anyone else – everyone has a different journey, children each have a unique path and there is no normal or perfect” says Alyssa McMurchy, fellow mom from New Hampshire.
Every Kid Has Different Needs
Recall our statement at the outset of this piece that there is no secret recipe or guidebook for being a mother? This is especially true when discussing our children’s needs, which are constantly evolving as they mature, encounter new circumstances, and learn to deal with a range of emotions. Every child is so different from one another in their own way. Certain approaches will be effective for children, but not for others.
She says what most moms say, which is that we tend to beat ourselves up and get down on ourselves when our kids aren’t doing what we expect. “I was so hard on myself that my daughter wouldn’t fall asleep independently” Rachel explains.
She went on to say “As soon as I let go of that expectation and embraced our snuggling, talking, chatting about the day, reading, and sharing those precious moments before falling asleep, I started loving bedtime instead of dreading it. It really made such a huge difference”.
“It is equally amazing as it is frustrating to remember that they are their own people and not an extension of you, and you have to adjust for their personalities” says Simone Fertsch, fellow mom from New Hampshire.
“It’s a learning opportunity for both parties as you navigate each other. Each chapter is different because each year and each child is different with what they go through or experience” states Bethany Burt, Registered Nurse from New Hampshire, and fellow mom. She echoed what most moms have said, which is that we’ve never been a mom before and we are all figuring this out together, no one is perfect, we are going to make mistakes; the important thing is that we learn from them and figure out how to do better next time.
You Will Love Them More as You Go
“You may not feel instantly connected to your baby instantly when he or she arrives, and that’s okay. You are learning what is love and your child will teach you”, says Danielle Ireland.
All the mom friends I’ve spoken to about this agree that as time passes, you grow to love your child more as time goes on. You get to know their little eccentricities, as well as their personalities and aspirations. As you enter new phases of life with your child, and as they grow, the memories you make together will deepen the love and bond that you share. While you are adjusting to being a new mother, be kind to yourself and patient as you work through complex emotions.
You Have to Put Your Oxygen Mask on First
“A revelation for me was it’s okay to prioritize myself, because if I am not happy, I have nothing, and I HAVE to be a lot of things” says Jennifer Sherman from Connecticut and fellow mom.
How many times have we been told “You can’t take care of someone else if you’re not okay?”. We hear it repeatedly, and yet still try to stretch ourselves so thin in the name of being a great mom. Many times, I’ve felt terribly about putting myself before my children. Even though it feels strange and selfish to take that time for myself, I always return to them feeling more refreshed, patient, and in the moment. The advice given by every single mother I’ve spoken to is to prioritize taking care of yourself and setting an example of self-love and self-care.
“It's okay to love your kids, take a break away from them, and miss them while you’re gone”, says Erin Kellett, fellow mom in New Hampshire.
It’s acceptable to take a break. It’s acceptable to require personal time and space. To be the best version of yourself, if is more than acceptable to care for yourself, and it is what you deserve. I salute and acknowledge every mom out there – you are doing fantastically.
Never Say Never
“You’re humbled in ways you never expected. Your kids teach you more than you could ever teach them” says Ashlyn Kundert, fellow mom from New Hampshire. Based on conversations with other mothers and my own experience, we learn something from our kids every day; exercise in patience, vulnerability, and appreciating the magic and job in the small things. Our children see possibilities where we see obstacles; they see magic where we see the ordinary; they see reality as it is, while our perceptions are colored by our experiences. Our children are our best teachers if we humble ourselves and listen.
Ashlyn goes on to say “Life is short. Pour more into your kids’ souls and abilities. No one ever looked back at their lives and said I wish I had worked more, but they all said they wished they had more time with their kids”. She goes on to say how important it is to stay close to that perspective. Her comments resonated with me and served as a helpful reminder this precious time that we have with our kids is fleeting and they will be all grown up before we know it. Give them the extra hugs and kisses, tell them you love them, and soak up the small magical moments.
You’ll look back one day and wish you could go back in time to see their toothless smiles, hear their tiny giggles, and clean their sticky fingers. You’ll yearn for a disorganized, noisy house. You’ll wish you had another day to make mistakes. As you reflect on all you’ve learned from your kids and the ways being a mother has molded you, your heart will overflow with the unwavering and unconditional love that you have for them.
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Meet the expert:
Allison Varela is a mom, Registered Nurse and holds a Master’s Degree in
Public Health. She is a leader in the pharmaceutical industry with a focus and
commitment to providing patients with psychiatric disorders, with innovative
medical treatments. Allison is deeply passionate about spreading mental health
awareness and education within the women’s business community to inspire
hope, strength, empowerment.
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