Imagine codependency as a tree, deeply rooted in childhood experiences and shaped by the environment in which it grows. The roots represent early life influences—trauma, neglect, dysfunctional family settings, and unhealthy relationships—that feed up into the trunk, which symbolizes the patterns of behavior and emotional reliance that develop over time. As the tree matures, its branches reach out, representing the various ways codependency manifests in adult relationships, often entangling with
others to the point of losing its identity. Leaves become the complex behaviors that make up our daily lives, mental and emotional state, and overall point of focus.
Like a tree needs attention and pruning to thrive, overcoming codependency requires careful self-examination, bringing light to the underside of a person’s habits and conditioned behaviors, and boundary-setting to nourish healthier connections in both personal and professional settings. Codependency should not be seen as making a person bad or good, right or wrong; relinquishing the weight that those of us with codependency bear as we seek self-actualization and self-acceptance is freeing and key to thriving as a human being.
A first step to recovery is understanding this thing called codependency. Tina Green, “The Self-Love Queen,” bestselling author, teacher, and personal freedom coach who founded Exposing the Roots, shares her unique perspective. "When you are trained early in life to put yourself last, transformation starts with awareness and permission. It is a huge step in recovering your authentic self when you become aware that you are constantly putting yourself last and permit yourself to focus on meeting your own needs first. It opens a door for you to walk through that is exciting, energizing, and new. You begin to return home"
A tree helps us in understanding codependency and a first step in recovery
At the Root
As a species, we are dependent on one another and the world around us. When we arrive as newborns, we rely on others to keep us alive and help us thrive.
As we age, we create relationships with others to keep us safe and healthy; intellectual, physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental growth; and ultimately, help us realize love and belonging. This functional dependency is hardwired into our DNA, and our
interwovenness with other humans, the earth, air, animals, plants, and spirit, is truly a beautiful thing.
Codependency arises as an adaptive or learned behavior with roots in dysfunctional family dynamics, especially where addiction, mental illness, or abuse is present, but also in settings that are seemingly quite positive. A child learns early on to suppress their needs and emotions to care for or stabilize others, often parents or siblings. Without even realizing it, the child begins to neglect their own needs in favor of focusing on others, even feeling validated and relieved when they choose someone else’s
situation over their own, and the opposite, fearing abandonment and rejection if they don’t. Where love and attention are conditional or inconsistent, a child matures with mixed messages of what healthy, balanced relationships are and enters adulthood struggling with esteem, an excessive need for control, and difficulty setting boundaries, perpetuating a cycle of unhealthy interpersonal dynamics that can be challenging to break.
Branches (Forms) of Codependency
Codependency manifests in various forms, often shaped by the underlying dynamics of relationships. Each type shares a common thread of dependency and imbalance in relationships.
● Emotional codependency is when individuals rely on another person for their emotional well-being, often at the expense of their own needs. They may feel responsible for others' happiness and experience anxiety or guilt if they can't fix their problems.
● Relational codependency involves one person becoming overly dependent on their partner, friend, or family member for validation and self-worth. This often leads to unhealthy attachments and difficulty functioning independently.
● Work-related codependency occurs when individuals derive their identity and self-esteem from their professional roles, often becoming over-involved in their work or colleagues' lives, leading to burnout.
● Addiction-related codependency typically occurs in families or relationships where substanceand/or mental abuse is present, with one person enabling or controlling the addict’s behavior tomaintain a semblance of stability.
Colorful Leaves (Types) of Codependency
The most common form of codependency is people-pleasing. There are also six more that we humans struggle to overcome - or live with unknowingly our entire lives. Understanding codependent types is helpful for the person who wishes to build self-awareness and create healthier, more rewarding relationships in their personal and professional lives.
To the People-Pleaser, YES is a reflex. This person filters decisions through who they need to be to please others, to get approval, and to avoid conflict.
It’s not wrong to want to please others. However, individuals who people-please may struggle with setting boundaries, feel responsible for others' happiness, and seek validation through excessive accommodation, leading to self-neglect and emotional exhaustion.
The Perfectionist is another type of codependent. Anything short of perfect is not an option, and this person has a heightened reaction to mistakes, is conflicted over admitting to a mistake, and finds it hard to recover from mistakes. They are judgemental and critical of others, likely because they are comparing themselves to those they see as better, more capable, or more deserving. In its harshest form, perfectionism leads a person to believe they deserve to be punished for mistakes they make.
One particularly complex codependent is the Caretaker. The easiest way to define this type is to contrast caretaking with caregiving. When we act as a caregiver, we give another person the care that they are unable to give themselves. The caretaker, however, does for another person who is capable of doing for themselves, and the caretaker ultimately sacrifices their own needs and wants at the expense
of the other. This person feels selfish if they take care of themselves, overgives, and can experience resentment when they feel they are not needed to fix something.
The Rescuer loves a crisis and the best day is full of urgency. They play the hero and work best with a villain and victim, whether these people willingly play along or not. Closely related to the caretaker, they are always in the midst of others’ problems and dilemmas, offering advice and support that may overextend them emotionally, physically, financially, and relationally. Those determined to rescue others will feel despondent and unwanted if they are not included in the latest drama. Some might say
they are even addicted to drama.
Still another who never feels appreciated for sacrificing their wants and needs for the latest “cause” is the Martyr. There is victimhood and constant suffering, and the person will often create situations in which expectations cannot be met so that they can wallow in the “poor me” of it all. Nothing is ever right, there are so many things working against them, and it’s hard for them to let anything be a win for
anyone without mentioning what they had to give up to get there.
A sixth codependent type is the Compulsive Performer. This person is always in action and wants to be seen moving towards what’s next. They spend very little time celebrating wins or arrivals because doing so holds them back from the next measurement of success, especially in comparison to others.
“I’ll be happy when…” is an oft-heard start to their sentences. Unfortunately, the compulsive performer will experience burnout and never-enoughness. They are rarely in the present tense but are focused on the future and whatever motion will get them there.
Finally, the Tap Dancer is a type to understand. These people have a hard time committing to anything. They are especially reluctant to take a side, express an opinion of their own, and over- rationalize every direction to avoid a decision that might not be accepted as “smart.” They are very reactive, and envisioning options is difficult. The tap dancer is conflicted to the point of significant stress, working overtime to appease others. They are often fearful and worry about “what-ifs” in a way that keeps them from truly engaging in an experience.
Pruning, Watering, and Nourishing Next Steps
Do any of these codependent types hit home for you? Perhaps there are several that give you pause because you recognize bits and pieces of behavior you exhibit. That’s OK! We’re beautiful humans,works in progress with the ability to choose differently once we know what we want.
The very first step to take in any form of recovery is acknowledging there is an issue, recognizing that people-pleasing, perfectionism, caretaking, rescuing, playing the martyr, compulsive performance, or tap dancing is holding you back from being your best self in life. Or perhaps you have someone close to you who exhibits behaviors you can now see are putting a strain on your relationship. Whatever the
case, there are ways to unwind the conditioning.
The recovering People-Pleaser starts by recognizing and valuing their own needs and feelings. They build self-confidence by making decisions that prioritize their well-being. They practice setting clear boundaries and saying "no" without guilt. Here are a few steps they might practice taking to reinforce a new habit of choosing themselves first:
● Start small and begin with low-stakes situations to build confidence.
● Pause before responding to consider one’s true feelings and needs before answering.
● Be direct, honest, and firmly say “no” without over-explaining or justifying a decision.
● Use simple language like "I can't commit to that right now" or Iam unable to help.”
● Acknowledge the growth in setting boundaries, and learn from each experience.
Like other codependent behaviors, stopping perfectionism involves shifting one’s mindset and habits. Humans are imperfect. Our complexities and uniqueness are wound with the infinite variables of others in our world. The recovering Perfectionist might consider the following actions:
● Set realistic goals, breaking down tasks into manageable, winnable steps, instead of aiming for flawless outcomes.
● Embrace mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth rather than as failures.
● Practice self-compassion as you would with a friend, especially when things don't go as planned.
● Challenge negative thoughts, replacing them with more balanced, positive ones.
● Avoid comparing yourself to others, and focus on the journey and accomplishments.
Someone who overextends themselves by taking care of others at the expense of their own well-being can begin to shift by first recognizing the patterns of the situations in which they regularly find themselves. In many cases, others in the relationship are conditioned to expect this caretaking, which can take time to identify and address. Here are several other key things to consider:
● Establish clear emotional and physical boundaries and learn to say "no" when necessary.
● Shift focus to self-care, making time for nurturing and joy-filled activities.
● Encourage others to manage their own problems and resist the urge to "fix" everything for them.
● Practice assertive communication without guilt, being honest about your limits and needs.
● Challenge guilt and fear, prioritize yourself, and know that doing so doesn't make you selfish or unloving.
Similarly, the recovering Rescuer must take purposeful action to recreate relationships that have them involved in situations that doesn’t have anything to do with them. Empowering others to solve their own problems, rather than stepping in, is going to take work and willpower, but resisting the urge will become easier with time.
Additionally:
● Reflect on motives and seriously consider why you feel compelled to rescue others. Are you seeking validation or avoiding your own issues?
● Shift your energy towards your own needs and well-being by seeking out activities that nourish you and build your self-worth independently of others.
When suffering and struggle are the focus of your day, shifting your mindset can take a lot of time. Not unlike recovery from other types of codependency, being a Martyr in recovery challenges you to understand root causes and perhaps a difficult backdrop to your current condition. And then consider the following movement forward:
● Challenge negative beliefs by replacing thoughts like "I must suffer for others to be happy" with healthier beliefs that value your well-being.
● Practice caring for yourself by engaging in activities that create joy and nurture your physical, emotional, and mental health.
● Aim for mutual support rather than one-sided giving, and allow others to contribute and take responsibility for their own lives.
● Communicate assertively and express your needs and feelings directly, without resorting to guilt or manipulation.
A Compulsive Performer’s behavior often stems from a desire for approval, fear of rejection, or past experiences where they were only valued for what they did, not who they are. This can be difficult to acknowledge and process. Working on loving and accepting yourself for who you are, not just what you do, will take time and focused energy. There are also additional steps to take in recovery:
● Challenge perfectionism and let go of the idea that you must be perfect or always on display to be worthy. Embrace your imperfections and understand that your value is intrinsic.
● Focus inward, and instead of constantly seeking external validation, find activities that bring you internal satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment, regardless of what others think.
● Avoid overcommitting or taking on too much to impress others. Learn to prioritize tasks based on their importance to you, not how they might be perceived.
● Practice Vulnerability: Allow yourself to be seen as you truly are, without the need to perform. Share your authentic self with others and trust that you’ll be accepted without having to constantly prove your worth.
To be a Tap dancer, you have adjusted your behavior to appease others and avoid conflict, never really committing yourself fully for fear of rejection and making the wrong choice. Identifying the situations, topics, and people who trigger these underlying fears is no easy feat, but it will be worth understanding when your own needs and authenticity are put on the back burner. Additionally, consider these ideas:
● Practice being true to yourself, even if it means others might disagree or be disappointed. Your authenticity builds stronger, more genuine relationships.
● Practice saying “no,” when something doesn’t align with your values or well-being and makes you feel like you’re pinching your own priorities to accommodate someone else.
● Practice assertive phrases to develop the confidence to express your thoughts, feelings, and
needs directly.
● Build a tolerance for discomfort, because not everyone will always be pleased with you. That’s okay!
In fact, none of the above steps are immediately comfortable, and recovery from any lifelong, deeply conditioned behaviors is going to ask of you to acknowledge pieces and parts of yourself that you’ve never shared or even knew were present. Seeking the guidance and support of a therapist, coach, or codependency specialist can be a wonderful investment to explore the roots of your behavior and provide strategies to build healthier, more authentic patterns in your interactions. There are also free
services available that are wonderful for meeting and learning more about codependency and what recovery looks like for you. Codependents Anonymous, for instance, meets online and in person all over the world.
Understanding codependency is the first step toward breaking unhealthy relationship patterns and fostering emotional independence. By recognizing the signs and underlying causes of codependency, individuals can begin to address their own needs, establish healthier boundaries, and cultivate more balanced, fulfilling relationships. This awareness is crucial for personal growth, as it allows individuals to move away from seeking validation through others and toward building a stronger sense of self-worth and autonomy. Ultimately, understanding codependency sets the foundation for healthier, more authentic connections with others and a more satisfying relationship with oneself.
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Meet the expert:
Natalie Petersen is a connector, mentor, author, and speaker. She serves healing-curious humans individually and in groups keen on growing self-awareness and loosening the grip of self-doubt so they can experience greater connection, community, and congruence. In addition to classes, panels, and presentations, her chat cast, Think Out Loud With Me, is a brave space where this all comes to life.
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