Growing up, I watched my mother cater to everyone's demands and often wondered why they couldn't manage on their own. It wasn't until I was older that I realized it wasn't about them—my mother took care of everyone as a way to feel okay herself. She had been taught and conditioned to care for others, which created a need to please. When we're led to believe that taking care of ourselves is selfish, lazy, and unacceptable, we become uncomfortable with self-care. We start to see taking care of others as the norm. My mother is just one example of many who suffer from people-pleasing.
So, how do you know if you are a people pleaser? According to Marissa Moore of Psych Central, “People pleasers are individuals who often disregard their own needs to please others. You may get caught up in giving all of yourself to others.” People-pleasers often face difficulties in discerning their personal preferences, interests, and hobbies from those of others. They may struggle to recognize their true desires, aspirations, and goals. Saying no can be particularly challenging for them, leading to frequent acceptance of unwanted tasks.
These individuals often go out of their way to gain approval, steer clear of conflicts, and avoid the fear of being abandoned.
Such behavior can result in feelings of resentment and burnout in relationships, leaving people- pleasers feeling depleted and overwhelmed. Additionally, this tendency can increase the risk of mental health issues like depression and anxiety.
Examples of People Pleasing Behavior:
1. Constantly Agreeing: Saying yes to every request or invitation, even when it conflicts with your own needs or desires.
2. Avoiding Conflict: Going out of your way to avoid disagreements, often agreeing with others just to keep the peace.
3. Over-Apologizing: Frequently apologizing for things that aren’t your fault or for minor inconveniences.
4. Seeking Approval: Continuously looking for validation and approval from others to feel good about yourself.
5. Neglecting Self-Care: Putting others’ needs before your own to the extent that you
neglect your own well-being and self-care.
6. Difficulty Saying No: Struggling to turn down requests, even when you’re overwhelmed or don’t want to do something.
7. Fear of Rejection: Doing things solely to be liked or accepted by others, rather than
because you genuinely want to.
8. Suppressing Emotions: Hiding or downplaying your true feelings to avoid upsetting
others.
9. Overextending Yourself: Taking on too many responsibilities or tasks to help others,
often leading to burnout.
10. Agreeing to Unwanted Activities: Participating in activities or making commitments you don’t enjoy or don’t want to do.
11. Minimizing Your Needs: Downplaying your own needs and desires, convincing yourself that others’ needs are more important.
12. Sacrificing Personal Goals: Putting your own goals and aspirations on hold to help
others achieve theirs.
13. Avoiding Asking for Help: Refusing to ask for help or support because you don’t want to inconvenience others.
14. Ignoring Personal Boundaries: Allowing others to overstep your boundaries because you don’t want to seem uncooperative or difficult.
These behaviors can lead to stress, resentment, and a loss of personal identity. Recognizing and addressing these tendencies is the first step toward breaking the cycle of people-pleasing.
People-pleasing often has deep-rooted causes that stem from a combination of psychological, social, and sometimes cultural factors. Here are some common causes:
1. Childhood Experiences
Parenting Style: Overly critical or demanding parents can lead children to strive for
approval and avoid criticism by pleasing others.
Conditional Love: When love and affection from caregivers are conditional on good
behavior or achievements, children learn to prioritize others' needs over their own.
2. Low Self-Esteem
Seeking Validation: People with low self-esteem may seek external validation to feel
worthy and valued.
Fear of Rejection: They may fear that asserting their own needs will lead to rejection or abandonment.
3. Trauma and Abuse
Past Trauma: Experiences of trauma or abuse can lead to people-pleasing as a coping
mechanism to avoid conflict and stay safe.
Survival Strategy: In abusive environments, pleasing the abuser can be a way to reduce
harm.
4. Social and Cultural Influences
Cultural Norms: Some cultures place a strong emphasis on collectivism, where
prioritizing the group over the individual is valued.
Gender Roles: Societal expectations often pressure women more than men to be
nurturing, accommodating, and self-sacrificing.
5. Personality Traits
Empathy: Highly empathetic individuals may naturally prioritize others' feelings and needs.
Conflict Avoidance: Those who dislike confrontation may resort to people-pleasing to
maintain harmony.
6. Fear of Conflict
Avoidance: People-pleasers often fear conflict and will go to great lengths to avoid
disagreements, even at their own expense.
Peacekeeping: They may have learned that keeping others happy prevents conflict and creates a sense of stability.
7. Desire for Control
Control Through Compliance: By pleasing others, individuals may feel they have more
control over their environment and relationships.
Managing Perceptions: They might believe that pleasing others will lead to more
predictable and manageable interactions.
8. Lack of Boundaries
Unclear Boundaries: People who struggle with setting and enforcing personal
boundaries may end up prioritizing others' needs.
People Pleasing as a Habit: Over time, pleasing others can become a default behavior
due to a lack of practice in asserting oneself.
Understanding these underlying causes can help in addressing and overcoming people-pleasing behaviors. Therapy, self-reflection, and developing assertiveness skills can be effective strategies in this journey.
Reducing people-pleasing behaviors takes time and effort. Since this tendency often begins in childhood as a response to emotionally unsafe environments, working with a coach or mental health professional can be beneficial.
Here are some additional tips to help reduce people-pleasing behaviors:
Reflect on Your Desires: Focus on what you truly want and need, rather than prioritizing others' desires.
Set Limits: Clearly define what you will and won’t tolerate from others.
Say Yes to Yourself: Agree to activities and commitments that align with your interests and desires.
Decline Harmful Invitations: Learn to say no to behaviors or activities that are
detrimental to your well-being.
Speak Up: Voice your concerns and feelings when something is bothering you.
Pursue Your Interests: Engage in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and
fulfillment.
These tips can help you gain independence and build confidence. By healthily expressing your wants and needs, you can create a more balanced and authentic life.
Growing up, I believed that being a good person meant always putting others' needs first. This mindset led me to unhealthy relationships, burnout, depression, and a sense of unfulfillment.
Through my journey in sobriety, I discovered that to truly be there for others, I first needed to take care of myself. By rebuilding new habits focused on self-care and setting boundaries, I learned to show up for myself and others in a more genuine, loving, and kind way.
You, too, can set aside the people-pleasing habits and start creating healthier routines. Small, intentional steps every day can make a big difference. If you need support, working with a coach or therapist can be a valuable way to guide you towards a healthier, happier version of yourself.
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Meet Elizabeth Foster, Founder of 'For the Love of Self' Coaching and Podcast Host of 'The Self-Love Lounge', who is a passionate advocate for self-love and empowerment and is on a mission to ignite inner transformation. With a background in Transformative Self-Love Coaching, Elizabeth is dedicated to helping individuals silence their inner critics and embrace their true worth. She invites women on a journey of self-discovery and growth, offering practical strategies to conquer self-doubt and cultivate unshakeable confidence.
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