“I have five kids under six, and I’m exhausted. Too exhausted to take the time to brush my own teeth after brushing everyone else's. And honestly, I am too tired to even care.”
When I was twenty-one, I worked full-time as a dental assistant to put myself through my undergraduate program debt free. The heartbreaking sentiment above was spoken to me by a patient in her early thirties. Her hair was limp and greasy. Her clothes were stained and mismatched. Her eyes were encircled in dark, sleep-deprived rings. Her teeth were full of cavities, and she was looking at a full mouth of crowns or eventually dentures. She cried after the dentist left, her fingers gripping the sterile chair’s peeling leather arms till her knuckles were white. The dentist had dropped the tragic diagnosis and left me to pick up the pieces while he rushed on to the next patient.
I sympathized, attempted to encourage her to talk about a different subject, and handed her a tissue. Inwardly, I contemplated, how can you lose yourself so completely in motherhood that you forget to brush your own teeth? However, five years later, I understood. Because five years later, I also found myself completely lost in motherhood… And there were several things I wish someone had shared with me.
1. Motherhood Is Full of Loss, and That’s Okay
Motherhood is beautiful, life-changing, and full of love. I heard countless things about how incredible motherhood would be:
“Motherhood is beautiful.”
“You won’t truly know what love means until you become a mom.”
“Pregnancy will make you glow.”
“Being a woman and bearing children is an empowering gift.”
While there is truth in these sentiments, I was't told about the challenges, hardships, and heartbreak that come with it. Motherhood is also full of loss:
Motherhood can be lonely.
Motherhood can be complicated.
Motherhood is monotonous.
Motherhood can be repetitive.
Minimizing the losses causes disconnection. No one told me how much I'd feel like I was losing myself in the process, how my sense of self would slip away as I tried to be the perfect mother.
The disillusionment over what I was told motherhood would be and the reality I was
experiencing caused me to feel even more lost and unsure of who I was and how I was
supposed to navigate this new part of myself.
2. You’re More Than A Mother
Society encourages women to see motherhood as central to a woman’s identity. Motherhood becomes an intricate part of a woman's self-conception. Studies show that it’s common for women to lose themselves following the birth of a child. A survey done by the online motherhood community Peanut found that 93% of moms feel that since having a child, their identity has been reduced to only being a mother.
Medical anthropologist Dana Raphael noted that, culturally speaking, North America tends to ignore the impact a child has on a woman’s identity and development. Raphael begins most of her essays with the simple observation that while some cultures say “a woman has given birth,” in North America, we say “a child is born.”
Aurélie Athan, a reproductive psychologist at Columbia University, observes that with this simple statement: “The emphasis gets shifted on the child.” The focus on what you’re gaining—which yes, is a truly incredible gift—dismisses what you’re losing in the process. This cultural orientation impacts our sense of self and agency. It reinforces the societal expectation that we should primarily define ourselves through our roles as mothers, potentially overlooking other aspects of our identity and personal growth.
3. It’s Normal to Feel Lost and Overwhelmed
After giving birth, I realized I wasn’t sure where I ended and where my baby began. My identity crisis resulted in me working crazy weeks with limited child support, trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted, all while trying to be and have it all.
Months after our first son was born, my husband asked me, “What do you want your future to look like?” I was paralyzed by the question. The truth was, I had no idea. My goals were reduced from wanting to be a successful, influential anthropologist to craving a few hours of sleep and sweetened cocoa. I thought something was wrong with me. Why was everyone else seemingly doing so well at incorporating this new title of mom into their already formed identities? But there was nothing wrong with me; there was something deeply off balance concerning my expectations and perspective of motherhood. This feeling of being lost and unsure how this new piece of your identity fits into your carefully constructed old one is healthy. It’s normal and should be expected. We all need to embark on a journey of self-discovery to find ourselves again after motherhood.
4. Take Time To Date Yourself It’s something many women feel they shouldn’t do—especially when there are so many people who need them. Take time for me? No way. However, taking time for yourself is one of the best gifts you can give your family.
Taking time to date yourself is about more than a nice meal, an avocado facial, or getting your nails done. It’s about showing up for you! You can trust yourself to take good care of yourself and to recognize and respond to your own needs. Here’s how dating yourself contributes to a healthier relationship with yourself:
Increases self-awareness: When you intentionally set aside time for yourself, it provides an opportunity for self-reflection.
Prioritizes your boundaries: It sends a powerful message to yourself that your needs and boundaries are valid and deserve attention.
Builds confidence in your decision-making abilities: When you make deliberate choices
to invest time and energy into activities that contribute to your happiness and
fulfillment, you reinforce the belief that you can make decisions that are in your best
interest.
5. Don’t Lose Yourself For Them
In wanting to give our children our best, we often confuse our best with the cookie-cutter definition of motherhood presented to us. We try to mold ourselves to fit whatever attributes our culture has deemed the ideal mother should have. But Leslie Davis shared a profound thought concerning her journey to self-discovery after finding herself lost in motherhood: “…if we lose ourselves, our children also lose us.”
Surrendering our entire identity to the consuming title of motherhood leaves little room for us to be something other than a mother. It leaves no room for our children to have unique identities. As Alexandra Sacks beautifully states, “When you preserve a separate part of your identity, you’re also leaving room for your child to develop their own.” The people who love you don’t want to lose you. You shouldn’t be okay with losing you either.
This article was inspired from a chapter in my book, Mommy Needs A Minute: From Burnout to Empowerment where I discuss the many areas of burnout mothers are facing and explore the reasons why and how to change it. If you want to learn more about overcoming burnout, please reach out!
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Meet the author:
Meet Alyssa, a storyteller living with her husband and two toddler boys in the remote countryside of Washington state. A millennial mom navigating the parenting challenges of today's demanding world, Alyssa brings her personal experiences, background in English and anthropology, and a unique blend of empathy and expertise to fellow mothers. Read her book featuring researched tools to reduce burnout, reclaim overall well-being, and rediscover an empowered you.
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