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Dirty Thoughts

Closing up 2015 with random ramblings and thoughts. This has been a year of dirty thoughts. Cruel and disgusting thoughts. It has been a year of tears and agony. It has been a year of disbelief, of lies of depression like none I have ever encountered before. I would like to say, ‘Thank goodness this year is over, what a nightmare, what a piece of shit dumb ass year, I am so excited for 2016!’ But honestly, what is a year anyways? It’s just a collection of boxes placed together randomly into 12 bigger boxes of which are ultimately placed in one very large box. We group 365 of those boxes together and we label it with a number, the last 365 boxes we called 2015.  But just because a large number of those boxes were filled with darkness and hate does not mean that there were not boxes that were overflowing with joy and laughter and so much delight! Do not negate ALL 365 boxes just because a portion of them were filled with heartache or tears for you. Don’t disregard an entire portion of your life, for that would be total nonsense. Unfortunately, there is no way of boxing all the dark boxes together under one number in order to have one large shit storm and get all the bad stuff out-of-the-way, you have to take the good with the bad. There is beauty and love every day, everywhere, wrapped around all the chaos, and it is your job, as keeper of your own world, to find that joy and treasure it, make note of it and hold tight.  Those beautiful days are yours, treasure them. So instead of saying, ‘Thank goodness for 2016 because 2015 sucked big monkey balls.’ Acknowledge all the awesome things you learned and experienced in 2015 and promise to carry those forward into 2016 in order to have an even better year this year!

365 boxes sabrina victoria blog

Speaking of another year. My parents weren’t joking when they said, ‘Enjoy your childhood, because being a grown up can be hard.’ Actually I don’t think they put it quite that nicely, I think it was something more like, ‘What did you say?!  Just wait until you have kids and responsibilities and work and bills and deadlines!!  Then it won’t be all fun and games!  Then you’ll wish all you had to do was wash dishes!’ I imagine that being said by my dad in one of his harsh booming lectures as I sarcastically rolled my eyes and got off the couch to head to the kitchen, what did he know anyways?!?

Ok, ok…I will admit that my dad was correct on pretty much all counts, but I will also add that having my son was probably the single most awesome thing that has ever happened to me to date.  I know that sounds pretty cliché, but I feel as if my life would have gone quit a bit differently if it weren’t for my son. Differently bad or differently good, I have no idea. I actually just confined in someone recently about some random thoughts about forks in the road, let me share. It really isn’t a secret, everyone is aware that BIG things happen in our lives that bring us to many forks in the road during our lives.  We can choose to go left or choose to go right, but either way we have to choose.  Even making no choice at all, is in essence a choice and will alter the path that your life travels.  We all end up somewhere and no where all at once, my choices got me here.  Is this where I am supposed to be?  I don’t know.  Maybe you are judging me right now…but before you judge… are you, where you are supposed to be? Sometimes things seem scary and put together and crazy and calm all at once but here we are, starting with 365 more boxes…the name of these boxes?  2016.

Back to my story, I was explaining to my friend that I feel as if I have this inner being that is drawn towards tattoos and wild flowers. (by the way I just realized, right now as I am typing, who I confided this to…hello to you, if you are reading this…xo) I picture myself, not wearing high heels and business suits, but flowing flower dresses or short shorts with vibrant colored crop tops, long hair that is wild and untamed and gorgeous colorful tattoos painted all over my body. I would probably have one of those really small nose piercings that you barely notice, but are ever so tastefully done.  Of course my wrists and ankles would be jeweled with beads that are undoubtedly made from stones of the earth that promise to give me super powers like energy and health unlike no other.  I would be a yoga master with a side of reiki just for flavor, somewhere in a small town in Colorado.  I would travel and teach others how to live off the land and how to stretch and find comfort in the earth and all its beauty, I would have a vibrant smile, engaging soul and be pouring out love and grace to everyone I met. During the warmer months I would barely wear any clothes, showing off my slender vegan body… and I would go hiking on the weekends with my friends and live off of coconut water and almonds.

dirty thoughts blog sabrina victoria

But instead I am here, now don’t get me wrong, part of me embraces lots of that I just mentioned, but I feel a constant pull towards that freedom, that love, that carefree attitude. Now what does all this mean, I have no clue, but this is my first blog post for 2016, so I am sharing.  You can’t judge my first post of the year.  I’m summing up random thoughts from 2015 so I can walk tall and confidently into 2016.  You with me?

So what happened?  How did the high heels and corporate business suits happen?  Well, simply put, when a child is born and his dad turns out to be a dead beat who never pays a dime towards even a pack of diapers (actually I take that back, there was that one $200 gift card to Wal-Mart he gave me when Eli was 4, specifically telling me to make sure the entire $200 goes to Eli.  As if the first 4 years of his life I was paid magically by purple unicorns and midget’s who had a soft spot for single moms of mexican decent.). But when something like a child happens out-of-wedlock you have two choices, keep it and sacrifice or abort it and move on. Sounds harsh, but every women who has been in my shoes has had to make this decision, even those of us that are pro-life, for a second think of the alternative, I did. I don’t care who you are, when something like that hits your brain, the thoughts that flow through are endless (sometimes dirty). So here I am, 2016, realizing the sacrifices.  The sacrifices are real, just like my dad…so many years ago warned me about. My son is going to be 12 years old in March.

Speaking of my son.  I remember a comment made not long after Eli was born, I remember the gossip, the whispers…

“That kid would be better off raised by a pack of wolves.” ~ Anonymous

That comment made my stomach hurt.  I remember writing it in my journal, I remember burning it into my mind. I remember crying.  Eli was barely 6 months old when that gossip fluttered to my ears.  Such a disgusting and degrading comment.  But above all the other horrific things that were said to me or about me…that was the comment I carried with me. Funny how having people doubt your abilities can break you or make you work that much harder to get to the top. I promised myself that I was going to be the most bad ass single mother there could possibly be, and I stand here proud, knowing that I have no regrets on how I have raised my son.

Speaking of being a bad ass.  My 2016 is not about health or fitness or family or wild vacations. I have no resolutions or goals for this year. I have a promise, a promise of accomplishing more this year than I did in the previous years. Goals are broken, goals are weak, goals are scribbled down on a piece of paper and lost in the clutter on kitchen counters, goals wind up being thrown in the garbage by June. But a promise? A promise is written on the heart, on the soul. A promise is written on all the walls in big black bold letters. A promise is real and in your face. A promise is carved in stone. A promise is never broken…unless you are an asshole.  And I, my friends, am not an asshole.  What are your promises going forward?

This year I will wear more flowing dresses, this year I will eat more vegan meals, this year I will live a little in that world that I sometimes dream about. Remember my friends, who you are is not always who you are suppose to be. I may not be moving to Colorado and slapping on a crop top any time soon, but who said I can’t embrace that carefree attitude a little more this year… Take a moment to think of the handful of forks in your roads that led you to where you are.  Take a moment to think if there are small ways you can fit some of those thoughts you secretly think about into your life to give yourself a sense of connecting with your soul.

Don’t feel afraid, don’t feel regretful, we all are on a path, but if you take a second you may get a glimpse of a few ways to get your path to run parallel to the path that you may sometimes dream about.  That my friends…is where I am heading.

May your week be filled with wonder and adventure. I love you all so much.

Ps.  Don’t forget to subscribe if you aren’t already, and don’t forget to find me all over social media.  I’m a good person to have in your ear, reminding you to stay on track.  I have been told that having me hover around as a constant reminder to stay on task is not a bad thing.  Find and follow me, I always follow back.  And write me if you wish…I’m pretty nice.

Lots of Love – Sabrina Victoria

Awesome things you may have missed on my other social media outlets:

I have a new  YouTube video up about accomplishing what you need to get done this year in order to keep moving forward!  Check it out below!  

A few things I found amusing, that you probably don’t give two shits about, but you’re sitting on the toilet while reading this so you might as well check them out:

My newest workout tune that I am literally obsessed with!  While your on the couch sipping coffee during the morning news everyday…I am running laps baby!  Where you at?

My newest Vlog from visiting my family in North Carolina with Eli over winter break!  It is so awesome that my son and I just started vlogging about 5 months ago and we already have over 2000 views on our brand new channel!  Thanks so much for your support!  Be sure to watch and subscribe!  It is a great channel for your kids to watch if you have any…always uplifting healthy supportive things going on over here!

Be awesome today.  Even if everyone else sucks.


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