In your relationships, have you ever been in a season where conversations are cold? You talk about the kids, bills, and pets, but you are not having heart-to-heart conversations with your spouse. Exploring why you are not connecting can be challenging at times; that's why I want to share with you, The S.P.O.U.S.E. Approach.

 

It's a framework to help you to reconnect and rebuild those heart-centered conversations with your spouse again. 

 

In The S.P.O.U.S.E. Approach think about these five key areas:

 

S – Secure

How do you show your spouse a sense of security? How do you want your spouse to demonstrate that to you? Has the trust been broken in the relationship? Can you trust your spouse with the vulnerabilities of your heart? Can your spouse trust you to be a safe space? Oftentimes, your spouse wants to connect with you but needs to feel safe. If there is apprehension, it may be because you did not provide a safe space in the past and used their words against them instead of just listening. You want to feel secure in the arms of your spouse and vice versa; therefore, keep that in mind when initiating conversation. First, listen, then let your spouse guide you for the help they need.

 

P – Prioritize

Think about it, how does your spouse know they are a priority to you? There is one rule, you can't use the familiar phrase, "They already know they're a priority," When you give someone directions, how do you know they heard you correctly. You know by the way they performed. If the goal was reached they understood the directions. If the goal was not reached there may be a miscommunication. It's the same way when we demonstrate to our spouses that they are a priority. Dating your spouse again allows you to reset the caliber and priority of one another. Above your children and other family members, it must be demonstrated and communicated you and your spouse are each other's priority. Many times our spouse moves down on the priority list and is often taken for granted. When we are not intentional about prioritizing each other, we become disconnected from one another, and soon other people or projects become a greater priority.

 

O – Opportunities

What new opportunities do you and your spouse have in your life right now? Is someone going back to school or has increased demands at work? This is a chance to support your spouse in a greater capacity which enhances the commitment intimacy in your marriage. In my book Sexpectations, I describe Commitment Intimacy as sharing the responsibility of commitment to your marriage with your spouse. Commitment is your ability to hold true to the vow you made long after the feelings in which you made it have gone. Look for opportunities to serve and support each other.

 

U – Understanding

When was the last time you asked your spouse why they showed up in a particular way? It should be a priority in your marriage to truly understand each other. Imagine walking behind someone who is moving really slow. You might have varying thoughts about how you'd love it if they walk a little faster so you can get to where you are going. What if they told you they had foot surgery two weeks ago and today they're walking for the first time after surgery? Would you still have the previous thought? Most likely not because you now understand. Imagine yelling at the person in line after they told you about their surgery. This is what we do to our spouses when we disregard their feelings and spend more time trying to be understood than understand. The greater reward is to seek to understand.

 

S –- Serving

Learn from your spouse how you can best serve them. What you needed when you first said "I do" to your spouse has changed over the years, and vice versa, therefore, it's important to learn from your spouse what they need. Have you ever assumed you know what your spouse needs, only to find out you were wrong? Then you said, "But you always like when I...." does that sound familiar. It was in those moments you realized your spouse changed. What your spouse needed early in your marriage will be different now. Use date nights to learn about your spouse and what they need, and they should be doing likewise.

 

E – Emotions

The deepest level of connection requires a tremendous amount of trust in your relationship. This deep level of emotional intimacy plays a key part in any marriage. Having heart-to-heart conversations with your spouse is an emotional connection that must be stewarded well. Before marriages are ruined, they are emotionally disconnected, therefore, it's important to find ways to enhance to connection in your marriage.